his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
