life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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