i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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