i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
