I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
