i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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