he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize