The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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