I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
