She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
