You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
