im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
