Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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