I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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