So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
