We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
