Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
