I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
