YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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