Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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