I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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