I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
