They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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