i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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