I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
