i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
