ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i now understand why vodka
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
