Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
