I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
