Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
