dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
