Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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