You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
