the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
