my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
