Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Randomize
