Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
