You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
