i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
