do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
