Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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