I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
