god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
