mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I faked an abortion last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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