Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
