Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That's how pantless uber rides happen
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
