I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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