Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
