No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
