Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
