I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
