i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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