I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
