Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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