you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
