I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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