There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In other news, I just burned my penis
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
