We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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