Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
