Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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