he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
