You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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