Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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