im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize