wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
