i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
