update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
