She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I could fuck to npr.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
