Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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