i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
