A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize